“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place because you’ll never be this way ever again.”
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there Down the stairs, I was there, I was there Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there It was rare, you remember it all too well
Watching chronic pain develop is – is terrifying. Its gradual, it’s slow, until it’s not. You feel a little ache one day, and you don’t really pay attention to it. But it persists, and still you hardly think to notice because it’s so small, why would you notice it? You probably just worked out too hard or bumped it a few days back. Slowly, unconsciously, you begin to change your habits to work around the problem, but the pain is literally so small you forget it as soon as you notice it.
Then one day you wake up in immeasurable pain. You can’t breathe, you can’t move, its as if that very section of your body has renounced you as its host and has started a coup against you. You think it’s a sprained wrist, a broken rib, a twisted ankle. It hurts, it hurts, but its comforting to know it will heal.
And then it doesn’t. It doesn’t get better and the injury doesn’t act as it should and the normally sparse times you take painkillers become a daily habit and still you try to tell yourself, despite the sinking in your stomach, that it’s something that will get better, something that will get fixed. And you’re scared to even begin to look up what the pain might be because learning what it is means defeat, it means that yes, this is really something you’re going to have to deal with your whole life, yes, this is something you are going to have to deal with doctors and testing and pills to make your pain manageable. And it’s terrifying to have to come to terms with that.
And sometimes there are low pain days. Sometimes there’s just medium pain days. And other times, well. Let’s just say its not a low pain day. And there’s hardly any pattern to speak of, just you trying to deal with your new limits and having to sacrifice beloved activities and watching your friends and family cringe in horror when you talk about your pain or snap a joint back into place. You try to get used to your new normal.
And when new pain starts developing, it’s so frustrating. Like, you’re already in pain, now your body wants to give you more? right when you were just getting used to the first one? It’s tiring and infuriating and GOD it just makes you want to throw things– if you weren’t too scared of hurting yourself while doing so.
Basically. chronic pain sucks. im so tired of this.
“WRITE IT BADLY. Write it badly, write it badly, write it badly, write it badly. Stop what you’re doing, open a Word document, put a pencil on some paper, just get the idea out of your head. Let it be good later. Write it down now. Otherwise it will die in there.”
— Brandon Sanderson on overcoming writer’s block to create a first draft as a professional author (via almost-always-eventually-right)
